Do's and Don't of Post-Divorce Parenting by Kathryn Berla', Ed.D.

From Kentuckiana Health Fitness Magazine, April 2007

It is time for a spring-cleaning refresher course on the do’s and don’t’s of parenting in a post-divorce world.  Many of you have heard it all before, but it never hurts to go over it again. Additionally, and unfortunately, there are a bunch more newly-divorced parents who have joined the ranks, and they brought their kids with them.  There is also a much older and more jaded crop of kids whose parents never learned it in the first place. Divorce is horrible to go through for everyone, and some parents are better than other at really putting the children’s concerns ahead of their own.  Others less so.  In the course of my day job, I routinely do custody evaluations for high-conflict families who have pushed our overworked family court judges to their limits.  It never fails that many of these parents show up in my office, look me in the eye and tell me that their number one concern is the welfare of their children, and then turn around and act out in ways that demonstrate their total failure to understand what that even means.  Below, I have constructed a handy pocket guide in order to refresh everyone’s familiarity with some basic guidelines.  Please clip ‘n save.

Undermining

Anything you do or say that could in any way diminish your ex in the eyes of your kids is against the rules.  It doesn't matter if it is true! Your children need and should be allowed to be free to love and experience both of their parents as fully as possible.  Interfering with or discouraging your ex’s access to the children is a no-no. Any message that you convey overtly or explicitly that the other parent is in some way no good is a message that your kids are reading that there must be something wrong with them too.  You say, “Your father is a deadbeat.”  They internalize, “Since you are made from your father, you are a deadbeat too.”  You say, “Your mother is crazy.”  They hear, “You are half-crazy.” Your kids identify with both mom and dad. Anything you do to undermine the relationship with the other parent is in actuality tearing up a piece of your kid.

DON’T badmouth your baby-daddy or baby-mommy.

DO let your kid know that there are all kinds of wonderful parts of themselves that they have inherited from both parents.

Dating

Congratulations on finding another adult human being that you are interested in spending time with!  That is not an easy thing to do.  Thing is, don’t expect that your kids will be as supportive and thrilled as I am.  In their world, the only person who belongs with Daddy is Mommy, and vice versa.  Go easy on rushing into the introductions—it won’t hurt you to keep the parties separated for a time.  When the time comes, test the waters with your kids.  Talk to them about how you need grown-up friends the same way they need their friends. If your new love is going to come around, keep the activities child-focused or at least family-friendly. No kissing, rubbing or hand-holding in front of the kids for a while. And, no, Biff or Muffy are definitely not allowed to spend the night while the kids are there, even if they are “sleeping on the couch.”

DON’T bring your kids along on what is really a date for you.

DO have your own life.  You won’t harm your kids by exposing them to other trusted adult friends.  But stay connected.  Talk to your kids about what their feelings are and take them into consideration, without giving the kids total control.

Honesty

Some parents take great pride in being “honest” with their kids.  Problem is, “honest” sometimes means disclosing adult matter to little ears. Now lean in and get really close to the paper so you can hear me clearly. DON’T DO THAT! Your kids do not need to know about your child support woes, or that mommy is dragging you back into court.  It is harmful to tell them that daddy’s new Muffy is a homewrecker. Your kids do not need to hear you fighting with your ex, either on the phone or in person.  The single biggest factor that affects kids’ adjustment to divorce is the level of ongoing conflict between the parents. Exposing them to your fighting and tension is just chipping away at their little souls.

DO tell your kids the truth about things that will directly affect them, such as housing  and school changes or the visitation schedule.

DON’T tell them their lifestyle is going to change for the worse because “daddy couldn’t keep it in his pants,” or “mommy took all daddy’s money,” even if it is true.

Messenger Service

When there is ongoing tension between parents, some think it is better to avoid contact altogether.  This can be a little tricky if you are sharing visitation and co-parenting your kids. Some people think the solution is to have the kids transmit messages back and forth between Mom and Dad. “Mom said she needs the child support check,” or “Dad said he needs to switch next weekend on the schedule.” This is a terrible position to put the children in.  Not only are they being exposed to implied criticisms or failures of their parents, but they are also taking the brunt of whatever to message receiver’s reaction is going to be. As a further step, some parents actually quiz their kids about the other parent’s spending habits, lifestyle, whereabouts, and adult company. Your kids are neither an answering service nor are they your own private surveillance team.  If you need a third party to communicate, find a family member or pay a professional to mediate. Don’t ask the kids to spy for you.  If you legitimately need a private detective, hire one.  If you are just obsessed and embittered, it might be time to go back to therapy.

DON’T rely on your children to transmit or provide information. You are hurting them.

DO keep the kids out of it

One last note: you parents need to take care of yourselves so that you can take care of the kids.  A depleted parent means anxious, frightened, or depressed children. If you have been prescribed medication, take it.  If you are experiencing insomnia or loss of appetite, go to your doctor. Engage a therapist.  Get some exercise. Avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Use common sense, and finally, trust your gut.

Kentuckiana Health Fitness Magazine, April 2007